Too much wok...
2008-06-22 @ 2:13 a.m.
Blah blah blah things have been great with Lewis. Yeah. That's the last 4 months or however long it's been since I've written. About that. Whatever.
Until recently. I don't know what it is about us that I just can't stand anymore. I think I'm just utterly fed up with this distance thing. It's like he expects us to be together forever or something... he wants me to spend another miserable 8 months in this stupid long distance thing until he moves here. How do we even know it will work that long? It's already not working for me. When he's here, I'm absolutely intoxicated by the thought of us and the second he's gone it all just fades away. The high of having someone here who cares so deeply about me in a different way than every other person here is gone and I'm left thinking what it would be like without him. What if I were with Micah? What if I were with Daniel? What if I were with someone I could have met had I not been spending my time in this dead end relationship where I'm left feeling more lonely than before every time I see him?
I hate it because he's starting to see it and he's worrying me. He just cares about me too much. I don't know what he expects from me. Yeah, I get it. It's all hard for him too, but he has steeped himself so deeply into me and this relationship and I'm still floating between casual relationship and simply being official. I don't really want to break up with him because he cares about me so much and treats me so well and is amazing in bed. The distance sucks. And sometimes, things he does just remind me of his age so much. I should not have to buy my boyfriend cigarettes. I should not be tied down like this.
This whole relationship is just making me miserable lately and the thing that's sad for him is he's doing nothing wrong.
Last night, a surprise birthday party was thrown for me at Flower Boy's house with all the Goblins and Hon Gobs and it was quite a good time. Spin the bottle. Drunk drunk drunk. I'm so fucking attracted to Daniel that it's not even funny and I feel so bad just thinking about my crushes on him and Micah and whoever else I can focus my energy on. It's awful. I was all cuddleXcore with Daniel last night... and he just gets cuddly when he's drunk, but I just feel like maybe there's something there. I know there's chemistry between me and Micah... but I don't know if I could do that. God, I'm an awful girlfriend. Why am I so miserable with someone who treats me so well?